Halachkinky: Predelictions & Positions

“Oh you, who linger in the garden, A lover is listening: Let me hear your voice.” Song of Songs 8:13

Judaism has always viewed sex and sexuality as both a blessing and a mitzvah. Each month Halachkinky will offer sex positive and medically accurate answers — written by a Certified Sex Therapist (and former seminary student) — to your questions about all things sexual, social and sacred. You can email questions to ask@nu-detroit.com or submit them anonymously here.

How do you talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies?

Such a great question! I work with many couples who come to therapy, each thinking that they are completely alone in their relationship, afraid that if their partner knew what they really wanted, they’d be rejected. Happily, this has rarely proven to be the case. More often than not, these disclosures are met with gentle curiosity if not outright enthusiasm. It’s my job to help my clients and their partners realize how normal their fantasies are … and find fun and creative ways to blend their desires together.

So, what are “common” fantasies? Justin Lehmiller, a Social Psychologist and Fellow at the Kinsey Institute interviewed over 4,000 people and wrote about their fantasies in his book Tell Me What You Want. He found that the most common sexual fantasies include:

1. Multi-partner sex (threesomes, orgies, etc.)

2. BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, submission, Sadomasochism)

3. Novelty, adventure and variety (doing something that’s new and different for you, such as a new position or setting)

4. Taboo sex acts (doing something that is socially or culturally forbidden)

5. Passion, romance and intimacy (emotionally connecting with a partner or feeling loved, appreciated, or desired)

6. Being in a non-monogamous relationship (swinging, polyamory, cuckolding or having an open relationship)

7. Gender-bending and homoeroticism (pushing the boundaries of your gender identity/role/expression and/or sexual orientation)

I’m betting you see at least one of your fantasies on this list. If so? Congrats — you are perfectly normal! (If not? Congrats — you’re still perfectly normal, just slightly more niche.)

So … now that you’re feeling more confident about what you want, and have recognized that you’re likely not coming out of left field with these desires, how do you broach that conversation with your paramour?

I love using technology to guide this process because it can turn what might feel like an awkward conversation into a fun date night. You could suggest that you and your partner visit mojoupgrade.com or download the Spicer app. Both of these allow you to create individual, but linked accounts. From there, they offer a list of various intimate activities ranging from PG to hard X and allow you to rate them as either “I’d love that,” “Definitely not” or “maybe if my partner wanted to.”

Then? The nonjudgmental software generates a list of mutual yesses for you two to review together. It’s a safe way to make some brave disclosures regarding your own fantasies … because you don’t have to worry about being judged or rejected should you express interest in something your partner doesn’t. Give them a shot the next time you and your partner are trying to decide how to fill a boring Tuesday evening; you’re sure to have a delightful new “to do” list to try on Friday night.

How can I increase my self-confidence to feel more secure being on top?

Many women express anxiety about being in on-top positions during sex. We are socialized to be hypercritical of our bodies and for many, the idea of being stared at during our most vulnerable moments (nude, exposed, expressive) feels terrifying. Which is tragic because there are so many great things about being on top. It lets you control the rhythm, pace, speed, and depth of the action. The positioning of our anatomy during on-top moments is more conducive to climax.

The angle at which our partner views us is highly flattering: think about how many great photographs are taken from that slightly-below, illuminated-from-above position that we instantly read as vaguely angelic. It gives us full access to our partners chest, arms, and face- perfect for caressing and teasing. So many wonderful experiences that we deny ourselves out of fear that our partner might judge us in the moment.

I could tell you that your partner finds you sexy and desirable and loves any opportunity they get to admire your god-given (im)perfection. But odds are, they’ve told you the same thing. When our own critical monologue gets going, it can be hard to believe. Statistically, we know that the vast majority of people find their partners sexually desirable. Heck, even among unhappily married folks, 57% still found their spouse “extremely” attractive. While this knowledge is reassuring, I’m guessing stats alone aren’t enough to help you feel more confident. So what can you do to be more confident on top? Here are some suggestions:

- Position your hands behind you, either on your partner's shins or on the bed between their legs and shift your weight backwards. This has a subtle effect of arching your back, which flattens the tummy, lifts the breasts, and elongates the neck. If you have longer hair, it also creates that awesome “flowing locks on the cover of a romance novel” effect.

- Turn around. Reverse cowgirl lets your partner admire your lovely back and rear, while obscuring your face. If you get anxious about the possibly silly facial expressions you make during sex, this lets you relax and be present in the moment without worry. Likewise, this position allows you to lean forward, over your partner's legs, which can facilitate additional g-spot or prostate contact.

- Sit up. Have your partner sit with their back against the headboard, then straddle their lap. This face-to-face, vertical position is super romantic — allowing for lots of kissing and eye contact, while pressing your abdomens together. This intimate yet “covered” position disguises areas you may consider problem zones, without diminishing skin-on-skin contact or eliminating on-top positions completely.

All of these strategies are effective and should help you feel more confident on top.

I want to leave you with this: your partner chose you and continues to choose you, every single day. To them, you are perfect.

Likewise, the Jewish people have a blessing, the Asher Yatzar, to thank God for these physical forms we have been given in all their variety. We honor every part of us as components of this creation that sustains us. It’s okay to wish we had a different shape, or fewer scars, or more muscles. We are human, after all.

As Jews, however, we are given the opportunity to choose gratitude for and acceptance of our bodies every single day. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could begin a spiritual practice of choosing ourselves — accepting our bodies — in the same way that our partners choose us?

Stefani Goerlich is a Certified Sex Therapist and Master Clinical Social Worker licensed in Michigan and Ohio. The founder and Clinical Director of Bound Together Counseling, PLLC, Stefani specializes in working with gender, sexuality, and relationship differences. She is the author of The Leather Couch: Clinical Practice with Kinky Clients and it’s forthcoming sequel, Kink-Affirming Practice: Culturally Competent Therapy from The Leather Chair.